Been hesitating about this post because i don't know if i should blog all out or should i just keep all to myself. And also because my mind and everything are still not settled, still pretty confused.
Something terrible happen to me yesterday, even though its something i have expected, something that just a matter of time, something that i knew that will happen on that day, if not soon. Because the feeling of it is so strong, my instinct is always telling me stuff that's so right but it still hit me so hard when it really happen.
Eventually we got tired, eventually we lost the reasons that we first started out for, i see us slowly withered. We forget the good times and how we fall together and only see what are the things that are tearing both of us apart. At times, i wanna give it all up, letting all go, because eventually i am also tired of all these games, tired of guessing, tired of disappointment. I told myself, maybe it will be a relief for both of us, maybe that will be the best for us, maybe we will both be happier. but always a stronger feeling that's stopping me from doing it. Always tell me "Hang on there, it will get better, you all walk through so much already, don't give up yet" and i will think of the good things and then i will just give up the thought of giving up. Been trying to give us one last chance thinking perhaps things will change, everything will change. But i guess it didn't. Perhaps i just couldn't let us go once again. So in the end, you decide to let it all go first. And we both know it best what's the real reason for it isn't it? I know it even better than you're.
Perhaps right now is really the best, time for me to accept the truth of us and walk out of my delusion. Time to think of myself more, love myself more to know that i am losing my smile for a lot of things already. Love myself enough to know that what's right and what's wrong. Sometimes all it takes are just little courage and a heart to let it all go. I know it myself best for everything that's happening between us. So i should do what's best for me right?
At least i should feel grateful and happy that i am not all alone. Really feel very thankful for the people around me, for rushing down straight after remedials to make sure i am alright, to try their best to make me smile, to talk to me and to give me the best support i need. Bringing me with bubble tea knowing that i love that the most. Thank you brothers, Buddies and Princess. I have nothing more to ask for already. Thanks for always being there to cheer me up all these times and making me smile when i almost forgotten how to. When i am at the weakest, you all are even more warm and loving. I always feel so blessed with the people around me, i am aware of that. And really thankful for those who are there. Even friends that specially message me to cheer me up and console me. Thanks all, seriously it meant a lot to me. With them, they make everything easier, better.
Today didn't expect myself to be like that so suddenly, i guess its so hard to control yeah. Buddies got a shock, i got a shock. But wanna thanks dodo for the warmest hug you gave today, for the tears you wipe away telling me everything will be alright, telling me i am a strong girl, i can do this. Thanks for always being there for me when i needed the most help. Thanks for still being the same dodo ever before even how things have change. Thanks for always know what's on my mind without me saying. Thanks for all the talk you gave today. I know what to do, and i know you know i am a sensible girl.
Hope things turn out all fine for you too. Deep down, i wish nothing but the best of you because you deserve it.
I'm really sorry for making people who care for me worry, for seeing me in this state and feel so bad. Esp Matha and Dodo, for feeling exceptionally bad and heartache when they see me like that. I know some are also worry, even though i don't say, they don't say it but i know you guys care for me, I don't know what else can i just say other than thank you and still thank you. I love you guyssssss <3
I am a sensible girl, i know what to do. I believe i am stronger than this, i know i will pull this through. Give me some time, i will pick myself up. I will get better, it will get better. I am the strong girl, everyone know, yes, this time i fall so hard once again, but i will climb back up, stood up still and strong once again, i know its only right to do this. I know like that is the best, i am aware how happy and carefree i am before that, so i will do what's right. But before that, just give me some time to pick myself up and bid goodbye to everything everything. Its actually feel like i lifted off something heavy, its been so hard when i feel that things start to goes wrong. So it feel like its being lifted off. I will be fine soon. Don't worry.
To you, Since you say it already, we will be then please let it happen. I don't wanna anything to change between buddies. I guess you know what i am referring to. Thanks for all the good times, bad times. At least we're once so true, so great and so right. I don't know what else can i say but just wish for all the best for you then.
For people eager to see me fall, don't worry, i will stood taller and stronger than you thought i will be.
I know how long this post is, i just need to blog all out because those are all the things i feel it but i don't say it. Yes, there's a lot more i wanna say but those i just wanna keep inside my heart.
Just full thanks to all my brothers, princess and buddies. *Big Huggggg! Thanks for all the great support, smile, laughter, console and everything you're giving me! I know you guys are keep making sure i am alright, cheering me up! And of course protecting me, Don't worry, i know what to do. Hey, i am strong and independent, so fear not.
Of course there are friends are asking and giving their console, thankyouuuuuuuuu! I think i really look quite bad today? Teachers are asking me whether am i okay, saying i look so tired, so quiet. I feel so much better today already, from the strength i got from the things i love, from the people around me. So don't worry! :D
Its harder than i thought it will be, but i am behaving better than i thought i will. I guess because in between i have long used to it, long tuning back to it already. Feeling so calm that it somehow scares me. But Really thankful at least i am not crying. Even though while typing this post, at some part, i feel so overwhelm, feel so hard to control i am glad, i swallowed all back and not to drop any more tears.
Promised myself that today is the last time, tears will roll down on my cheeks, no more no more. Yes, I am the strong girl everybody know. Right now i am even more stronger than before.
The words you say are keep repeating all over again and again and again, from before it starts to the day it ends, one by one. Some just stuck, for good for bad.
I guess one of the biggest mistake i have done is to let my heart ruled over my head, for letting my heart and the love blind everything, for everything. But i will not regret.
So Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you, goodbye me, goodbye us!